Getting tired

I am so tired of feeling like I may just have a grasp on things and when I do everything slips out of my hands and goes haywire. I have been trying like hell to get my life back together since everything fell apart last year and it seems like the harder I try it seems as though it never goes anyway and everywhere I turn people just want to stick a knife in your back when you least expect it. I guess because the economy is bad people just expect you to take it and swallow it and not do anything about it. The way that I feel about it anymore is that I have taken enough of that crap for 33 years and last November something happened to me and I decided that I will take no more of that. I guess that when people treat you like that and then feel that they can get away with shit like that then they will do to someone else well that is fine let them screw someone else over but please with sugar on top leave me the fuck alone and keep your bullshit out of my life I want no part of it. People even try that shit with me and I swear to god you had better hope that I do not have something that I cannot use against you that will not hurt your ass in the long run because if it does your ass will be grass and I will be the lawn mower. I am really frustrated with job hunting I mean really over 500+ applications and interviews and either nothing or no phone calls, the competition is really steep. I swear I may just have to bite the bullet and have someone professionally write my resume for me I don't know that is really expensive and I really cannot afford it right now but I may not have a choice at this point desperate times calls for desperate measures and at this point I am pretty frickin desperate and I really need to do something. I have tried everything and that is the only that I have not tried and I may have to do it because the only paycheck that I have seen in the last couple of months is for $300.00 and that was for 4 days of work and this really sucks I need a job and SOON! I really wish that god would hear my prayers and answer them as he could tell the temp agency thing was a wash and I really need his help and SOON and if he could hear me at all I know that he could help and know that I am struggling and also know that I cannot take much more time without a paycheck.

Love

I have always been confused about love, I always wanted the fairytale and for some reason that never seemed to come true for me it always seems that I ended up hurt and everyone else around me ended up getting what I wanted. So I asked why god is it that why is it that something that I have wanted so badly I can never have and finally I feel I have just given up after this last time in November when I have gotten hurt so badly and gotten hurt so many times and I cannot seem to find the right person to just love me for me and accept me for the person who I am and love me for who I am the good and the bad and despite the fact that I am not perfect still love me that I cannot seem to find this person but, instead I find people who are bound and determined to hurt me and seemed to take pleasure in seeing me feel pain. I may have been raised differently but that is not love enjoying seeing someone hurt is not love but then again maybe this is just my lifes course that god has set for me and the reason why my goals are my goals and the reason that why my life is on the path that it is on right now, as much as I would love to have someone to spend my life with it would impact my goal of my eventually moving when Hannah turns 18 and do I really want another person impacting me doing what I want to do and impacting my life? Most likely not or otherwise I would have to discuss my plans with this person and see what and how this would impact their life and also their goals but all of this is in the near and somewhat distant future and hopefully the UK part will come true for me. I would really like the opportunity to work and live there.

Confused

I have not felt this way nor have I thought about this for a long time but lately it seems that everyone seems to be getting everything that they are asking for but me is it because the lord is waiting to prepare me for someone special or because I am destined to be alone. Sometimes I have felt that even though I have not always been perfect in my life and have done things that are wrong I have suffered far worse than most in the sceem of things and sometimes at the hands of those who seem to seek enjoyment out of seeing me in pain. I spoke to someone yesterday who advised me to list my goals in life so here they are. I am going to list my goals and even though they may seem simple to some they mean the world to me.

1. Raise my daughter to be a strong, beautiful independent young woman who can be dependant on herself
2. Get a good job where I can be self reliant and self supporting and take care of my responsibilities and for the next 10 years raise my daughter and eventaully move after my adughter turns 18.
3. When Hannah becomes a teenager start getting my thoughts together and my passport together as far as what I need to do to move to the UK.
4. Finance a trip to the UK to look for apartments so that when I move to the UK when Hannah turns 18 I will have an idea as to where to move to

A new beginning

A few months ago I started talking with someone that I have admired since I was 18 he actually emailed back to me which I thought was amazing. This actually got me thinking that with the way that things have been going the last ten months and with no chance of me having a solid romantic relationship ever in my life I have made the decision that as soon as Hannah turns 18 I am moving abroad to the United Kingdom and will live there instead of living the rest of my life here. I have made the decision due to several reasons the first is because of my exfactor and his family, I as soon as my daughter is born would like to get as far away from him as possible and get him and his family as much out of my life as possible, the second would be because of the fact that most recently I have been hurt in previously relationships and do not want that to ever happen again to me and finally I feel that with everything that has happened in American recently it would be the best choice for me and most likely the best choice for my daughter and will advise her to come with me to the UK and start college there. Hopefully she will want to do that and visit her dad when she has the time. maybe she will maybe she will not when she turns 18 I could care less. I know that this sounds really selfish but what Hannah does when she turns 18 with those people is totally up to her and has nothing to do with me. All I do know is that people eventually get what is coming to them and hopefully this will happen for me and hopefully this happen for the people who have hurt me in the past because at this point until Hannah turns 18 I have just one goal in mind to raise Hannah and then move overseas. Good luck to the rest of yous!!!

Tired of being tired

I thought that when I quit my last job the one thing that I wanted most was really my degree and for me to get a job at a company where I felt most appreciated and where I could grow as an indivual and also help the company grow as well. I am beginning to feel as though all of my dreams where pipe dreams and know matter how hard I seem to try and know matter how hard I seem to push myself it seems as though I take two steps forwards and and one step back this has been so frustrating to me more than words. I have worked so hard to get my Bachelors degree with hopes that it was not all in vain but am beginning to think that all that work was a waist of my time and energy and now here I am in my second Masters degree class and I am wondering and praying at the same time am I continuing to waste my time and energy doing all of this for nothing. I just in the beginning wanted a better life for myself and my daughter than my previous job could provide for us and also provide more stability and do not see that happening. I see myself staring into a black hole of uncertainty. I have prayed several times for this to come to an end and hoped that even though there are others that are going through similar situations to myself to please let me be the one to be picked out of the several applications that the human resources representatives have to review, let there be something special that they like about me. I am hoping and praying that the lord hears my prayers and that this soon will end.